It’s spring break this week for the elementary school, so we’re on, well, spring break. Actually, we’re in the queue to be processed to go on spring break. You see we’re going on a cruise. I’m sure it will be loads of fun and am looking forward to getting ‘out of Dodge’ for a bit, but I have to say that I’m already carrying some baggage about this cruise experience.
To be fair, I’ve been holding this baggage for years, but the proverbial load does not seem to be lightening. It all began when my husband and I opened a joint checking account years ago. Strike that—when I opened a joint credit account filling out all the forms, answering all the questions, supplying the appropriate documentation, providing the initial capital to fund the account, setting up direct deposit with my employer, etc., and then getting my husband’s signature to also have access to the account.
Somewhere between my direct interchange with the teller and the blank checks we received in the mail, my husband, faceless and passive in this transaction, became the primary account holder and I relegated to secondary status. I didn’t really care one way or the other until a few years later when I had a question and needed to contact the bank. They, well, wouldn’t talk to me without my husband’s authorization. You see, he was the primary account holder and I, well, without his nod of approval, was dirt (though they did acknowledge and appreciate that my pay was being deposited into this clearly-less-than-joint account).
So here we are checking in for the cruise. I put this whole trip together—comparison-shopped, figured out the scheduling, made all the reservations, was mindful of required travel documents, transacted the payments (using my individual credit card), confirmed things, etc. Now I get to the counter, and well, they need to speak with my husband to check us in. You see, somewhere in this large travel enterprise it was determined that it is the husband who is the primary guest. In this particular case, ‘the husband’ actually knows little about the details of this trip other than we were leaving on X day, will visit A and B ports of call, and that he needed to bring along a suit for dinner (and I suspect that he’s not the only husband who would know few of the details for any given trip).
So I ask. In the grand scheme of life, does it really matter? No, not really. Ummm, well maybe. Actually, in some psyche-bruising way, yes. Just like the battery bunny, these antiquated attitudes and long-tired processing protocols seem to be living on and on and on and on….
Any thoughts on how to take the batteries out?
Bon Voyage,
Cathy
P.S. No, I didn’t interrupt any spa appointment or shore excursion to write this entry. I didn’t need to—there was enough fodder for it before we ever left the dock!
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP
Friday, April 13, 2007 5:08 p.m. EDT
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Anony-mouse in San Diego wrote:
Somehow over the years, my husband now handles all the money and today I figured out his bday present to himself was a $1500 "gaming" computer. He used to discuss large purchases with me. Had he asked me, I probably would have grumped at the cost then consented. I asked him what he would think if I went out and paid $1500-$3000 for the cosmetic procedures I wanted and didn't mention it to him until after the fact. After 12 years of marriage, I became disabled and unable to work my previous high-paying job and earn less than 1/3 than before. Somehow, my health status has relegated me in my husband's viewpoint, not only to "secondary" status, but less than 1/3 or non-existent. I am consistently "overruled" even when he is totally illogical. I have advanced graduate degrees, he has a GED. I know I need to wake up and take control over my finances. No woman is exempt from having a husband develop into an egotistical bore, even financial planners and lawyers. The undercurrent in some of these posts is that men need to have their egos fed, but sometimes when it takes over and eats the house, it may be time to kick the boar/bore to the curb.
Beth in Minneapolis wrote:
I appreciate Cathy's viewpoint, but let me present another opinion. I am a married professional in the consulting world and earn far more than my husband. However, although we are both equals in the relationship, I do believe the man is the "head of the household" and have no problem with him being considered our primary... anything. I sometimes wonder if I am alone in this among Cathy's readers.
Suzan in Manchester wrote:
Cathy, after reading your bio, i am surprised that you revealed your feelings in a public venue. You know the solution to your dilemma far better than I do. Just do for your finances as you advise your clients to do for theirs.
The reason the baggage feels heavier than it used to is that you continue to operate your marital relations in a "if it ain't broke, don't fix it mode" and like millions of women realize that your feelings are more important to you when you're in vacation mode as opposed to hypervigilant mode.
Without knowing your relational situation, my only comment would be to talk over your feelings about this with hubby and see if you can correct this relatively minor account transaction error, with or without his signature.
Kathryn in Washington D.C. wrote:
Wow, did this one hit a nerve with me! The time the type of incident really made me go into orbit was the first year I was married and my husband got a thank you note from our alma mater for his donation. For years after I graduated and while I was single I faithfully and generously gave to my graduate school. My husband is also a graduate of the same school and class, but never gave. The first year after we were married I wrote out a check on our joint account, indicated it was from both of us, and signed the check. And then they go and thank him ALONE. When I called to complain, the answer was, well that was the way the computer was programmed. I pointed out that a PERSON programmed the computer. I was glad to see the next year they did acknowledge me, so at least some places do learn.
Laurie in Detroit wrote:
I have a funny story, where my husband's name is now in the "secondary" spot! Now that Deloitte prepares our taxes, my name is shown as the primary taxpayer and he is "the spouse." My husband noticed that the first year he signed them. He said "your name is first?" and I said "yep!" He had no additional comments - I think he just appreciates the service.
Jan in St. Peters wrote:
It seems, from reading some of the other comments, this subject isn't about baggage--it's about "equal rights." We've never had 'em and it'll be a long time before we do. If Hillary gets elected, it'll help.
However, the very recent ruling by the Supreme about late-term abortion takes us back with regard to a decision between a doctor and the mother.
It doesn't take into account her health or death if this fetus must be aborted to save her life. (I think abortions are a highly subjective matter and are between the mother and doctor only.) I don't want the government to rule my personal life. I am, though, not saying abortions are alright but I want to be able to make such a decision myself! Wow, "Baggage" can surely lead to different subjects and points of view!
Anonymous wrote:
I have two words: country clubs!!!! It is hard to believe in this day and age women are still a secondary member. As one partner mentioned in a meeting last week, I'm the one with the "S" beside my name. I can't vote, have restricted club use and more. Until it comes time to send the bill--my husband's name isn't anywhere on that!
Pat in Berkeley wrote:
This is the same industry that annoys single people by advertising all rates as "per person, double occupancy" -- a policy that hasn't changed since they booked Noah's cruise. The few single rooms are usually overpriced closets located somewhere between the boiler room and the bilge pumps. No thanks, I'll stick to cruising the highways for now.
Colleen in Chicago wrote:
Not only do most large industries need to wake up and realize that more and more women control decisions in their house, they also need to realize that young women can make decisions on their own. When I was 24, I purchased a townhouse. Every time I went to a furniture store or home furnishing store, I was "overlooked" by the sales people. I used to have to bring my mother shopping with me so people would take me seriously. Little did they know that I spend twice as much as my mother would and they should have treated me with more courtesy! Now that I am married, I run into similar situations on making large purchases without my husband. Apparently, in our society, making decisions, still require my husband's buy in. I'm glad my employer lets women think for themselves and make corporate decisions that help contribute to the overall success of our company. Perhaps other industries can learn a thing or two.
Elizabeth in Shelton wrote:
It certainly is more convenient for some of us to have that flexibility in terms of being listed as primary. I handle all the finances for our family (husband is a great stay-at-home-dad and thankfully takes care of the house, too!) and I've had luck in arranging things with me listed as primary. Our house, our main credit card, our tax return and insurance policies all list me first. It didn't seem too difficult to set it up that way and the respective vendors/agencies didn't seem to balk at the idea. This is 2007 and service providers/government agencies need to understand that times have changed.
Eileen in Dana Point wrote:
As a professional speaker and author, I love the great use of language and words to relay concepts. Baggage hit it square between the eyes. Why is it that a doctor's office goes ga-ga when "dad" comes in with the kid and barely blinks an eye with "mom" appears with the brood? Why is it that when I fill out our joint tax return, my husband is primary and I am a secondary signer? (And he's retired!) It's more than baggage: it's a cargo-hold filled with old ways of thinking and acting. Calling attention to it and writing about it is a great way to start!
Teresa in San Diego wrote:
This is actually one of my pet peeves and vendors need to learn that this is a big negative when they are trying to sell to women! I recently bought a rental property. Although I am married, the bank loan is in my name only and the lender qualified the loan on just my income. Before the close of escrow I added my husband to the title for the recording of the deed so that the title would be joint. Now all correspondence related to the property is sent to him in his name (somehow my name has dropped off but I continue to write the checks to pay the mortgage!
Elizabeth in Cleveland wrote:
I completely empathize and can totally relate to what you are feeling. This "realization" of how things really work, and the implicit bias towards the male gender regarding account status, decision-making, etc., hit home with me when my husband and I filed our taxes jointly for the first time. We had always filed separately, but with the birth of our child we decided to file jointly. I am now listed as the second entry on the tax documentation, even though my last name is alphabetically first. It's his name that appears first, his social security number, even though i handle all the paperwork and my accountant files the taxes (and pay the accountant, as well as any taxes due). I feel like a second class citizen, even though I qualify as the primary bread winner. It's the "way of the world," and the inherent bias towards the male gender is subtle but omnipresent. Thanks for bringing this up and introducing this as a blog entry -- I thought I was the only one feeling irked by being relegated to second class status. We have a long way to go!
Danielle in Irving wrote:
Oh my, I feel your pain Cathy - as we all do I am sure. I had the same issue with my mortgage company and was appalled at their antiquated assumptions. The policies of the cruise line are archaic, but unfortunately I don't think this will change until we continue to push the issue. But, pushing this issue is a constant, draining process that requires us to teach society how their silly little policies, jokes, and even advertisements are detrimental to women everywhere. In this particular instance, a woman has to choose between enjoying a vacation on a cruise line that seems to not support equality for men and women, or speaking up against those policies and refusing to go on a pre-paid trip. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just enjoy a pina colada?
Pam in Hyderabad wrote:
I appreciated this blog and have had the occassion to feel the same. I would also let everyone know that when we went overseas and had new accounts opened in my name - that he has to go through the same process of getting my permission. The financial and legal systems have yet to treat us equally.
Sara in San Diego wrote:
This kind of thing drives me crazy as well. Not sure why but after making all of the travel arrangements for every trip we have ever taken, it is quite annoying when you are treated as "secondary." You can only imagine what havoc I caused with the IRS several years back when I prepared my husband and my joint tax return with my name and social security number first. They notified us that they had no record of our prior tax returns, my social security number, etc. I love the fact that ever since that return was filed, my name is reported first as the primary taxpayer (not sure this is a good thing now that I think of it but for once I felt like I was the important one). I also found it quite amusing that it really seemed to confuse the IRS. More recently, I always make all our trip reservations in my name. Similar to your husband, my husband is lucky to know where we are going, let alone the details of the trip. Happy sailing! Wish I was along for the ride.
Corey in Seattle wrote:
My wife and I deal with the same issue. I'll admit that my wife handles the details of our personal finances and travel plans, but I think she'd back me up in saying that I do actually know what's going on as well. I work full-time and she doesn't so she's taken on this responsibility. We ran into the same issue with credit cards. It's extremely annoying to us that she isn't allowed to address any issues on our joint accounts. But there doesn't seem like anything we can do - so we deal with it. She felt it important that she have an account where she is the primary holder. So we opened a different credit account listing her first. She wanted to be sure that she had credit history in case anything happened to me. So in the end, at least we're even. We both need each other's permission to handle each others credit accounts. If there's a reform effort out there, let me know and I'll support it! It's as annoying to me as it is to my wife!
Anonymous wrote:
I can absolutely relate to this and choosing not to take my husband’s last name when we got married only makes it worse. I had a similar experience with a cell phone provider. The payments were taken out of my bank account, but when I went to change the billing address when we moved, they wouldn’t let me do it. It made me so mad that I finally just canceled the account. On the other hand, my husband recently tried to make a change to our cable lineup and they wouldn’t let him do it because my name is the one on the account. They actually asked him WHY we had different last names if we are married. What year is it anyway?
