A few weeks ago, in between bites of rubber chicken at a corporate fund-raising event, I got into a discussion with the woman to my left about a topic that I’m still playing back in my mind. This individual, who has an 11-year old daughter, was arguing—vehemently, I might add—that there should be separate classrooms for boys and girls from middle school through high school.
Her reasoning? Nope. It wasn’t that boys and girls learn differently or that girls would be more willing to express themselves in a single-gender setting. It was that her daughter is getting distracted by the boys.
“Distracted” as in her grades have gone down since she ‘found’ boys. Just the mere topic of boys sends her heart a-flutter it seems. But also distracted in another respect. It seems the boys are well, distracting. You know, as in can’t sit still, more likely to cause disruptions in class, vie for more of the teacher’s attention, etc.
This woman’s proposal to separate the genders was code for “if I can resolve the distraction of boys, my daughter would be more focused—and better off for it.” I guess she was employing an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ philosophy.
I can see this, but also wonder if we’d be teaching our kids that the best way to deal with distraction is simply by eliminating it. Now, I ask: Is this a reasonable—and implementable—response in the real world? I totally get the desire to have our kids better focus. (The focus word is often brought up in my household. Spitfire can even recite a line from the movie, The Grinch, to remind herself: “I asked for 3/4’s and not 5/8’s…stay focused!”)
But isn’t it more likely that one distraction would simply be swapped out for another? Isn’t it unlikely that parents can successfully deploy a seek-and-destroy strategy for all things distracting? Perhaps we should, hmmm . . .
Oops, sorry, I’m in the Red Carpet Club at LAX and just got distracted momentarily. (I could swear that Sean Penn just walked by.) I’m back now. Perhaps we should focus on teaching our kids how to better deal with distractions rather than trying to eliminate them. But hey, I’m only one opinion. What do you think? Inquiring minds want to know…
Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP
Thursday, March 22, 2007 5:24 p.m. EDT
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Annie in Atlanta wrote:
I am really glad to read other opinions on this matter. I just recently got out of a class in grad. school where my professor and group members believe that children should be separated based on gender to completely avoid distractions. I am a second year teacher in the Atlanta area and I can not see how that would help my students. I think that is seriously wrong because it doesn't teach students how to handle distractions at all. School is not just about learning academics but also social skills and life skills. What happens to a student who has never been around males/females when they get into the work force? Will they then not know how to handle the distraction sitting right next to them? Will they not be able to speak up on a big project because the director is a different gender than they are? Distractions is a lame argument for this. Students will lose out on learning in a completely diverse environment. The more well-rounded a classroom, the more interesting, dynamic and educational it is for students.
Jenny in Palo Alto wrote:
It is quite interesting that she is trying to get rid of the distraction rather then deal with WHY we even get distracted in the first place.
It is always interesting to try and remove the consequence of something that is way deeper...and who cares if she is distracted by liking boys?? isnt that healthy? She can use this to share and get to know her daughter more- communicate and talk about it..not separate boys from girls.
What a great topic- thank you.
We are too separated in our society- it is time to talk things out- learn from all of it- and come together.
Katherine in Pittsburgh wrote:
As a recent graduate of a Catholic university, I think separating the genders under the excuse of "reducing distraction" is not only absurd but detrimental to emotional growth and ability to adapt to real world challenges. We live in a world of distraction and the distractions will just continue to explode as American youth becomes increasingly "plugged in." However, today's teenagers are proven to be more effective multi-taskers and often better communicators. Thus, the so-called distractions have actually equipped them to function in the workforce (after all, we are all blogging, using the internet, working, using our cell phones, talking, checking our stocks, etc). And just as cell phones, text messaging, video games, and computers certainly have the potential to "distract" teenagers from so-called meaningful interaction and academics, they actually have "taught" children more about the reality of today's interconnected, interdependent global culture. Similarly, to separate genders in high school only delays the inevitable. Separate but not equal is not simply reserved for racial or socioeconomic segregation. If we are to separate genders, different and inherently unequal education, tailored to gender, would cause more problems than it would solve. Where would it stop? Would we separate teachers too? Would we send single-sex high school graduates only to single-sex colleges? In college, distraction is actually the way of life-parties, drinking, optional classes, video cam professors, web-learning, email, instant messaging, wired libraries, fraternity parties, Spring Break, etc. Do we just expect the recent high school graduate who had a single-sex education to suddenly digest "distraction" and figure out how to deal with the stress of the opposite sex on their 18th birthday? The reality is, we live in a distracted, connected, diverse world and education's ultimate goal is to equip children to deal with the real world, not to shelter them from it. To place young children in separate gender spheres only delays the inevitable, so we might as well allow them to foster healthy relationships between genders, no matter if it is via chat room or pre-calculus class.
Anonymous wrote:
Yes, it seems the “Focus” is the new buzz word in everyone's household these days.
As a mom of 3 boys with 2 of them having “focusing” problems it was nice to validate boys aren’t the only ones with “focusing” problems.
I agree that we need to teach our kids to deal with distractions rather than eliminating them. My 2 kids were clinically diagnosed with “focusing” problems last year. It was a hard and very emotional decision to medically treat this. My spouse and I for quick fix did decide to medically treat them but with the caveat that we would teach our kids to deal distractions.
Last year distractions amongst many other things were their peers… this kid annoys me, he talks too much, can you ask the teacher to move my seat, etc... This year new distraction for one of my boys is girls.
The good news is that one of my boy's “focusing” problems is not an issue. He is no longer on meds. I attribute this to coaching him about dealing with everyday distractions. They will never go away --- this boy may go away but when you are in high school there will always be another annoying boy.
Another item which kicks into helping with this “focusing” problem is maturity. I went back to look at the girl’s age referenced in your blog which is about the same age of my kids (ages 10 & 12).
Yes, coaching and maturity are key in helping your kids!
Terri in Boston wrote:
Educators have been dealing with this issue for years and have tried many suggested solutions with and without success. The end result is that each individual needs to find their own way of dealing with the distraction.
We are bombarded with distractions all the time but we need to learn how to cope with them and removing yourself from one distraction will not guarantee undivided attention. My former employer set up a computer lab where the employee could go to work on their work without any distractions from email, IM or internet. Go figure! I guess the employees still don’t know how to handle the distraction without intervention.
The best tool for distractions is education on how to handle them and not just simply removing them. Learning to stay focused on a task to see it to completion.
Anonymous in San Francisco wrote:
I went to a women's college, one of the Seven Sisters, and I believe in single sex education. It does divert distraction, but it also helps women be validated by teachers, who have a habit of encouraging boy students over girl students. Single-sex education really helped me ask for what I want in corporate America and I've got to say, when I want something I ask for it directly and with confidence. I went to a co-ed high school, and I did extremely well, but not as well as I could. But in college when I saw that my student body president was a woman, the rugby team captain was a woman, and one of the first persons to sail around the world was a woman alumna, I thought about all types of opportunities that came my way "why not me?" I did my junior year at a prestigious West Coast co-ed school, and I was shocked at the difference in treatment that teachers gave male students over female students. I say there is something to single-sex education -- it's not so much about diverting distraction (though I would concur with the mom who thought that was true), but it's also about not being constrained by society's expectations of women which, though advanced, is still a different standard from that of men and often much lesser. And very often it is the teachers who are imparting the expectations differently.
Anita in Detroit wrote:
I think that there needs to be a balance of distractions. My son started high school this year at a selective school and the girls outnumber the boys 8 to 1. Add to that my son was considered "interesting" because his father teaches at the school. He got so much female attention it was unreal, scary even. His father also re-arranged my son's room so that he had a TV, DVD player, PC with internet access, cell phone, stereo and MP3 player all within his own personal space. It was no wonder he got off to a bumpy start. We found that by limiting the distractions, he was better able to focus. We can't get rid of the girls and in fact by the time my son is a senior, the girl to boy ratio will probably shift to 12 -1. However, we did make the homework spot the kitchen table with only the MP3 player instead of letting him shut himself up in his room. By limiting some distractions he is performing better and we don't have a battle of wills going on.
Anonymous in Wilton wrote:
Cathy, while I think you position is noble, the hurdle that parents face today in combating distractions is almost insurmountable. While we want our children to be worldly, they are bombarded with distractions and sensory overload from their computers, television, magazines, and video games. With millions of opportunities saying to our kids "look at me, see me, follow me or buy me", we may need to give some parents an option of single gender schools just to limit the amount of exposure. Children are not borne with boundaries and self control. Geez, there are some 30 year olds who are still struggling with those topics. If we can give them some space and time to develop those traits - whether its in single gender schools or the hiking club, we might be all better off. I am all for anything that helps a parent mould an emotional healthy child. I don't see that as a one-size fits all.
Marge in Morristown wrote:
Great topic and great point. My teenage son goes to an all boys high school. No girls with distraction but there certainly are other things for distractions. When he comes home I ask him to focus on what he has to get done. But he does things his own way. He sits there with his books, laptop, cell phone for IMs and his Ipod in his ears. I look at his screen and see 4 to 6 open windows. He appears to be doing well with all the distractions even tho I would like him to focus. I am not quite at the point where I realize that this is the way this future generation will work but in my heart I know that that is what will happen. So it may be better to facilitate the process and show them how to refocus when something happens because you can not get rid of all distractions. Even I am watching March madness while typing.
Dawna in Melbourne, Australia wrote:
You'll be interested to know from your current responses that your blog has made its way to Australia! As a foreigner in this country I have been amazed at how common the view is in Australia that children should go to single-sex schools. Of the people I know, it is the norm rather than the exception. My personal view is that girls will always be distracted by boys (and vice versa), whether they are in the same class or not. Distractions, and boys for that matter, are part of life. I personally don't feel that I can preach about the values of diversity at work and then send my children to a same-sex school.
Nancy in Atlanta wrote:
I think that avoiding opportunities to learn how to be focused in the midst of distraction is dangerous. While I do not have girls, my boys are easily distracted, sometimes by girls. They are learning how to focus in the midst of distraction regardless of what else is happening. They are always multitasking and seem to thrive on that even if it means sending IM's, listening to music and playing chess on line while doing their homework. Distraction seems to be part of the game. If they were not distracted by girls on occasion, there would be something else to fill the void. I am glad they are going to school in a setting where they are learning everyday with distractions of all kinds.
Anne in Houston wrote:
I first thought about this topic when my twin daughters returned from our first 'Take your daughters AND SONS to work day', after previously enjoying a similar program without the boys for a couple of years. When I asked how it went, Kyrsti (who proudly referred to herself as a tomboy) responded, 'we didn't get to do half the stuff because the boys were too busy messing around'. She wasn't distracted, the facilitators were. Having not yet tried to raise a boy, I found this interesting and followed up with the consultants involved who readily agreed that it took twice as long to do half as much when the boys were involved -- for that age group, different interests, different attention spans, different 'norms' of behavior. So, although I had never considered the possibility of my kids attending a single-gender school, I felt the selection of a high-school should at least consider one. Kyrsti did not quite agree, but we did get most of the application completed. However, the process ended rather abruptly somewhere in the middle of the last essay. As I was urging (ok .. encouraging, cojoling, begging) her to get it finished, Kyrsti turned to me and asked, 'so Mom, tell me the truth, would you have ever gone to an all-girls school?' ....(big pause and then it just came out....) 'are you kidding? Not on your life!' p.s. I now enjoy life with a very distracting six-year old son.
Amanda in Orlando wrote:
Interesting perspective. I am a product of an all girls school. There were 100 girls in my graduating class and sadly no distractions! However 95 of us were accepted into University (no small feat in the UK in the late 1970s) and with the boy's school across the way, I think we all did fine in the distraction department. My children are now in a mixed gender environment and are doing well but I don't think we will see 95% acceptance rate into University. There is something to be said for separate classrooms as we encourage our girls to be successful.
Mona in Phoenix wrote:
Yes I completely agree. My parents did not do well in getting me used to distractions. I actually was never allowed to have music on during studying. I believe that these methods sheltered me to the point where when I started college and had a roommate that "HAD" to have music on to study, I just simply couldn't deal and had to start studying at school and finally decided to seek off-campus housing all by myself... So I agree, the un-natural environment that parents sometime want to create to "HELP" their kids, ends up causing them problems with fitting in and adjusting to the "real world". The same can be said about the "boys" distraction you mention. I went to an all-girls catholic school until the age of 12 when I was switched to a “mixed” school. Let me tell you, it was hard!! Getting used to seeing boys all the time and not only at the mall or at the movies was foreign to me. Yes, it was a distraction and learning to interact with them and not be embarrassed to be myself and participate in class took some getting used to... I remember day-dreaming about one of my classmates and it used to consume my whole day to be "pretty" and have the perfect lip gloss at every hour during the day... but being there taught me how to deal with it.... thank God I went to a mixed school before going to college.... losing my ability to concentrate there would have been bad and would have probably changed my career path.
Helen in San Diego wrote:
Cathy - I just wanted to tell you that (now that I've discovered it) I read the WIN Blog faithfully. Please don't quit doing this - it's really great that you put yourself out there for all of us. Better yet, it often tickles my well developed sense of all things absurd, especially those things we most take for granted! As the mother of 5 grown daughters, I do not believe we should, even for a moment, consider eliminating the 'distractions' (boys or otherwise). They form part of the rich fabric of the total chaos that makes up our lives. Upon reflection, I'd have to say that many (if not most) of the really fun and worthwhile things I have done in my life, including my kids, my personal hobby (competitive country western dancing), and my industry specialty (wind energy), each started out as distractions, or even actual nuisances. Into the fray we go everyday, and we should not be prevented from fighting the battle, whatever it is! In any case, please do keep blogging, and I'll keep reading!
Roxanne in Hermitage wrote:
While boys can be distracting, I think it sends the wrong signal to both genders - that is, we can't seem to get along, so let's establish separate worlds. This kind of thinking perpetuates the myth that women can't participate in a "man's world." As with other segregating factors (e.g., race, handicap), the more we allow individual characteristics to identify us, the further divided we become. Interesting note: Here in Davidson County, TN, the school board is considering separation by gender.
Katherine in Melbourne, Australia wrote:
Cathy, what a sensational post. I could not agree more. We chose co-education for our children. Why? Because men and women must work together in just about every sphere of life. If they don't work together in school, during their most formative years, I believe they're at a distinct disadvantage. Even if the distraction philosophy is true, what's a grade compared with a potential lifetime handicap?
