Do you ever feel that, well, sometimes you just don’t get it? I think I’m reasonably on top of my game; am fairly perceptive; and have been around long enough to understand social dynamics. But sometimes, I still don’t get it. Yesterday was one of those ‘sometimes.’
A group of 30 or so colleagues (primarily men) and I attended a two-day session on mentoring and coaching. On average, each of us has been in the workforce for 20-plus years and in various leadership roles for the last 10 years or so. Surely not a rookie team—nor a bunch of wall flowers. Actually, we’re each somewhat outspoken in our own ways—it must be in the company genes.
I won’t get into the whole deal around the program—that’s a completely different matter altogether. Instead, I’d like to focus on a specific case within the workshop. One of the scenarios for group discussion was a woman senior manager who was meeting with her mentor to tell him that she was has having difficulty powering through her work week (and often times weekends) while trying to balance her family responsibilities. She didn’t see any relief in sight and was contemplating leaving the firm. She simply couldn’t figure out how to make it all work. So far, so good.
Well, no, not really. I was fine, and actually, quite familiar with the scenario. It’s an everyday happening in corporate offices everywhere. What I wasn’t fine with was the stereotyping. Why did it need to be a woman senior manager in the case? Why couldn’t it just have been any senior manager? (This was, indeed, the only case in the two days that had any mention of gender.) So I politely (or at least I think politely) voiced my objection to the gender labeling. Women may have been the proverbial canaries in the corporate coal mines, I pointed out, but fitting life within work and work within life is now a significant, cross-gender workplace issue. The point was rather politely noted by the instructor, and we moved on.
Until. Until the afternoon break when a number of my male colleagues individually came up to me to say thanks for bringing forward the objection. That, indeed, they hear about this issue as much these days from men as from woman. So?
So why couldn’t they just say so in the group? Why the silence in a room of generally vocal colleagues and then murmured acknowledgement in a quiet corner? Why not open recognition and dialogue of flexibility as a workplace issue—and no longer as a gender-branded one?
Well, as I as said at the start: I just don’t get it. Do you?
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP
Thursday, Feb. 1, 2007 4:02 p.m. EST
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Susan in Seattle wrote:
I WISH it were a parenting issue and not a gender issue but there is a huge difference between a few men agreeing they have similar pressures and actually voicing this opinion. Most are never going to show it because they do not wrestle with this on a daily basis. The more senior you rise in corporate america, the more likely there is a supportive non-working spouse that enabled this success. If you look at truly senior managers (VP level and above) across the U.S., most have stay-at-home spouses (wives). The expectation is so ingrained. It was probably not the reality faced by most of the managers at the training session. This doesn't mean we can't educate them. It's just not top-of-mind for them.
Vidya in Chennai wrote:
It indeed is true that "work/life balance" is a human issue, NOT A WOMEN'S ISSUE. However, to most men, the phrase means more time spent with friends, time spent on pursuing their hobbies, and probably spending time with family also. For most women, the phrase only means taking care of children, spending time with family, and the like. There should be a change in the thought process of both the species, inwardly, not just in terms of expressions in public.
And as for your other collegues not voicing their assent in public, what Greg has stated may be the reason; probably they were so taken aback by the simple truth in your statement that they could not react immediately. Sometimes, it takes time to realize certain home truths, especially when it is a sensitive issue such as this. After all one needs to reflect on it carefully before reacting in public, esp before people like you who have a quick thought process.
Marge in Morristown wrote:
Great point. I think admitting the need for flexibilty and more work/life balance can be construed as a weakness in some circles. It may also be construed as a lack of 24x7 dedication to a job. I would hope the next generation will be able to understand this is a strength and, if you want to recruit and retain the best people, a ballance is absolutely required.
Anonymous wrote:
I think women are just braver than men. It's one of the main reasons we've come this far in a much shorter time period. And because of that courage, the reason we have our families, work hard, become good and best friends, volunteer, and admit, 'yes, I try to do it all and hope for the best.' I really don't hear men saying that.
Anonymous in Houston wrote:
Cathy,
Good for you. If we cannot stop perpetuation of the myth that "work/life balance" is a human issue, NOT A WOMEN'S ISSUE, we (women) will never advance. It also provides the perfect excuse for male-dominated leadership to explain the grossly disproportionate departure of women - "she wanted more time with her kids." In truth, it is the result of exclusion from mentoring about office and business success and direction, for which men would leave also.
Robin in Chicago wrote:
Cathy, I think a lot of people are willing to let other people speak up but are worried about doing so themselves. Although this is somewhat off topic, I think that flexibility is something that everyone would welcome in order to make their lives run more efficiently - both parents and non-parents. I do think that flexibility sometimes becomes a parents' issue and whether we agree with this or not, that sometimes skews it more toward being a women's issue. If there was more of a focus on flexibility for everyone, I think there would be less of a stigma as everyone would feel free to take the flexibility when they can. Right now, I don't know if everyone does, as kids have a way of needing things a lot more urgently than any other competing issue needing flexibility. People don't always feel comfortable saying, I want to take off an hour early to go to a yoga class or shop for something at a store that closes before 5 p.m. etc. but they should if we truly want to give everyone flexibility and not stigmatize anyone for that.
Anonymous in Toronto wrote:
I wanted to thank you for the new point of view you provided in this blog entry. I have always thought that women had the short end of the stick (which is still the case) but I never really thought that many men had the same issue around work and home life balance. Your blog comes from an entirely different direction from most blogs featuring women content and it's a refreshing read. Thanks again.
Ellie in San Jose wrote:
And I bet a number of those same male colleagues will be surprised to learn that you would have liked for them to speak up during the group discussion. Maybe they just don't get it. I hope you encouraged each and every one to speak up next time!
Stacey in Detroit wrote:
Your comments, as most respondents indicated, seem to be right on point. Although both men and women equally may struggle with "balance," there is a perception that men must soldier through it, often times at the cost of precious time with friends and family. Although this truly is a cross -gender issue, I wonder if we are doing enough to ensure that our male colleagues feel comfortable enough to address their concerns, either through reduced workloads or other flex-arrangements. Case in point, this blog site is under the "Women's Initiative" category. History dictated the need to develop programs to ensure we retained high performing women, thus the need for WIN. It seems the tide is turning, and that we need a People's Initiative to retain talented professionals of both genders.
Mai in New York wrote:
After I read this blog I told a male colleague about it. While he agreed that the need for flexibility is a cross-gender issue, he was not inclined to act in a way that would help shatter the stereotype that work/life integration is for women only. He would have been one of the "silent majority" attending your workshop. Still, I think that hearing about experiences like the one you described is enlightening him a bit and making him more supportive of people who require flexibility. A year ago it was something he wasn't even comfortable discussing.
Greg in Chicago wrote:
I appreciate your post. A couple things crossed my mind while reading it, though.
I wonder if the men in the room were hesitant for a couple reasons. One, it's a loaded subject. Anything that one says to a woman about a work-life balance issue involving women can be misconstrued. Men have to battle a perception of being misogynist pigs in general. It may not be a battle that someone wants to fight in a public forum, especially a work forum. Sad that men might feel that way, but it's a subject that can be a lightning rod.
Also, I wonder if your blog might make someone hesitant to talk about a controversial subject as well, especially knowing that they could be the "subject of a post" in the near future! :)
Trish in Seattle wrote:
Bravo Cathy! I was one of those few women in the room for that same session and I thought your point was absolutely right on during the session. I didn't think it would be helpful to hear from a second woman during the session that you raised a very valid point - for fear this would seem like this was only a position held by the women in the room and not the men (further exacerbating the situation). But I was definitely disappointed by the lack of visible support for your point by the very experienced group of male colleagues in the room. I have personally dealt with this issue, as I know all of us have, with many of my male counselees and as part of project engagements - as well as with women. You are absolutely 100 percent spot on that this is a cross-gender issue. While WIN is an important catalyst in helping find and pilot possible alternatives and solutions - those solutions will benefit all of us - not only women. Thanks for speaking up on this, and for your continued leadership and influence in this and other important cross-gender issues we all face.
