Below are select entries from our internal WIN Blog.  Please note, we are not accepting comments for these entries.

Compulsively Transparent
There's something that's been on my mind for a while, and I took it to the 78% of our women partners and directors at yesterday's women's conference. They ask to be compulsively transparent. Huh?

OK, OK. Let me back up a bit. In my travels I hear quite a bit from our younger folks that they don't want to be like those that came before them. They want greater balance; more time for community, family and personal interests. They want more choices. They want greater flexibility. In short, they don't want to make the same choices they perceive we, the older folks, have had to make.

"Perceive" being the operative word. You see, we—women and men—who are on the other side of the partner path, have figured out how to make it all work in our everyday lives—how to fit life into work and work into life. And we are judged by our results and not by how we get it all done. My proof point: We're all still around, aren't we?

So what gives? Shhhh. Don't tell anybody, but we have quite a bit of flexibility; we just hide it behind excuses and half-truths. Sometimes we even have code words for the excuses—and our admins are the only ones with the decoder rings.

On stage, in front of 600 women partners and our senior leadership—yep, all the big guns were there—I confessed that I didn't go to an Office of the CEO meeting in New York because… because it was the first day of the annual Nordstrom sale.

There, I said it. How about you, my partners? Do you have anything to be compulsively transparent about? Any chance that you can sign up for just telling it like it is? Heck, we all know we're taking the liberties that are important to us—be it volunteering or playing golf or coaching soccer or yoga classes or to even hair and nail appointments (sometimes those hair appointments are very hard to get!)—whatever it is we each prioritize. We'd be a more authentic culture if we all just said so.

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

What's in a Name?
Well, it's behind us.  A draft manuscript has just been submitted to our publisher and will now go through a peer review process.  The book is about how, right under our very eyes, the corporate ladder world we've lived in is morphing into more of a corporate lattice construct.  Why?  Because while the workforce has shifted radically over the past fifty or so years, the standard 9 to 5 (or 8 to 6 or 7 to 7) drill, for the most part, has not.

Want proof?  In 1950, 63% of all U.S. households were "traditional," defined as men in the workforce and women staying at home.  (Sorry, folks, but the term "working in the home" did not appear until much, much later.)  Care to take a guess on this number is today?  It's 17%. 

Yep, 83% of today's workforce is "nontraditional."  And it's about time the workplace caught up.  Oh, some efforts like flexible work arrangements (FWAs) are intended to respond to this sweeping demographic shift.  But let's face it.  FWAs can be effective—but only for some and only on the margin.  Life in workplace America is largely unchanged.  And this misalignment between workforce and workplace, we argue profoundly, has got to change.  (We go on to offer mass career customization as a contemporary framework to do just that.)

All in all, it's pretty solid work. It's an innovative notion with compelling arguments that are well-researched (there are 230 footnotes across six chapters—not that I was counting, of course) and well-written. 

Yes, all in all a job well done.  Except that, well, the job is not quite done. Everything's in place except for one missing piece.  A pesky little detail:  the title.  Yes, this future possible best-seller lacks a title.  Now, how hard can it be to come up with a title with 50,000 words already penned (technically, typed, but it doesn't have quite the same ring to it, don't ya think?). 

It's not like our little crack team didn't come up with what we believe is an appropriate title.  We did: "The Corporate Lattice."  It's just that the publisher doesn't agree with this title.  Now, why, prêt ell, would this be, do you ask?  Because they believe the word "lattice" is too feminine—too girly for a book about a structural workplace shift taking shape and what corporate America should do about it. 

We don't agree, for sure, but we also admit that we don't have a lot of experience in this realm either.  So we're taking it to the streets; the streets of blogland that is.  We're taking it to you.  What's your quick thought association with the word "lattice"?  And if all you saw were the three words "The Corporate Lattice" on a jacket cover, what mental imagery or message would you glean from it?  Inquiring minds would like to know…

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Left Out
My son made a comment to me a few weeks ago that's been simmering somewhere in the recesses of my mind, but now it's beginning to smolder. I'm not quite sure what to do with it. At first I thought it was simply an observation he was making that I'd be more aware of going forward, but the more I think about it, the more I sense that he raises a large as life issue. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

As you may recall, I try to work at home—more precisely, at the kitchen table, whenever I can. It makes me feel like I'm more accessible to the people who matter most.

This one recent day I was at home on a conference call about a topic concerning the development of our women. The conversation focused on the area of personal eminence to help women raise their profile both inside and outside the firm. My son overheard some of the conversation. When I hung up from the call, he asked if we could talk. I have to admit that I was taken back a bit.  I'm not sure how many of you hear from your sons that they "want to talk," but for my has-little-to-say-unless-it-has-to-do-with-sports son, this was a big moment.

He asked, rather matter of factly, if I wouldn't have these types of discussions when he was around. Why? Because he felt left out. Yes, "left out" as in not included. Oh, he understood that it's important to develop our women—and by implication on his part, girls, which of course connects this whole topic to his younger sister, Spitfire.  Because I never really spoke about this topic in a similar vein for our men, he felt like I didn't care about his development, just his sister's.

Right out of the mouths of babes—well, perhaps more accurately, the mouth of a tweener (he's 12 after all). But this has me thinking. Hmmm.  I seriously doubt that he's the only male who has this type of reaction when similar conversations or stimulus takes place. Perhaps this is something we should put on the table.

Is anyone feeling left out or know of others who do? What can we do about this?  You see 'left out' conflicts with all-inclusive, which is what we are all about.

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Painting the Pumpkin
This is a very busy time for me. In the spirit of being compulsively confessional (a trait shared by many women, but that's a story for another blog), I'm feeling particularly stressed at the moment. Within the next two weeks there is a book manuscript (titled "The Corporate Lattice") due. We need to deliver on a world class Women's Conference for 700 of our women partners, principals, and directors. We're taping a video for United Airlines who invited us to profile our women's initiative. It will run on all of its video flights in January (road warriors, beware!). Oh, and I'm also working with a terrific team to close on a few deals that total about $35M in new sales—yikes!

Stress, yes, it's everywhere at the moment. Well, almost. Somehow it hasn't cascaded down to my spitfire seven year old daughter. I simply don't know how she does it! Take the other day. It was 7:20 am on a school day. The car pickup is at 7:30 sharp—which it has been since the first day of school. Each morning is hassled. No matter what we do—getting up earlier, setting a schedule (6:50 eat, 7:15 dress, etc.), it's always a hassle. For the most part, I've learned to accept this. In fact, I generally won't do calls at 7:30 anymore—it's now 7:35 to account for the 5 minute flurry that is simply going to happen.

At 7:20 this particular morning, it hit home that the notion of stress--the pressure of 'I've got to get X done by Y,' or the idea of a timetable, or the connection of time and consequences must be borne by those significantly older than 7—actually my son is twelve and he displays similar tendencies so let's say older than that.

Ok, she got up on time, but she was in her usual mental no-hassle zone.  When I went to check on her progress, there she was sitting at the table. Was she eating? no. Was she dressed? no. Brushed? no. Nothing on the critical path was done, but there she was painting her pumpkin. Not another care in the world; it was just her and her pumpkin.

When does it happen? When does the inflection point from lackadaisical meandering to crazed, gotta-get-it-done take place?

I don't know, but it's 7:29, and I've got to convert the oblivious to the urgency of getting to school on time…

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Empty Nest
By Guest Blogger Wendy Schmidt, Deloitte Financial Advisory Services LLP

Note from blogger Cathy Benko:  We're going to mix it up a bit this week with a terrific entry by our FAS Partner and new empty-nester, Wendy Schmidt.  Enjoy Wendy's thoughts and see if you see yourself in any of her words.

Well, it finally happened. I have been anxiously anticipating this day for the last 22 years. As I said good-bye to my oldest child who left on Wednesday for Cambridge, England, to pursue graduate studies in the Classics, I stood there tearful and stunned. My middle son was happily ensconced at Yale as a junior in college, and three weeks ago, I dropped my youngest daughter off at Amherst College to begin her freshman year. And to make matters worse, that night (as usual) my husband was traveling. I couldn't even get the dog to come upstairs to the bedroom to keep me company. He was lying by the front door, waiting for someone else to walk through the door. Even he sensed that something was "wrong."

It has not been easy. Over the years I have struggled to "do it all." In the beginning, after my second child was born, I took six years off. And then, to complicate matters more, on "re-entry," I decided to switch careers and leave the practice of law and pursue a career in the private investigative business. While I have been working full-time for the last several years, I have tried every imaginable flexible work arrangement in an attempt to balance work and life. Sometimes I felt that I was a failure in all aspects of my life, not paying enough attention to my kids, my husband, my job, or my school and community board commitments.

At times, I was frantic. Juggling client obligations with my desire to attend every field hockey, softball, baseball, ice hockey and football game, I was stretched to the breaking point. And then my son was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes – so, of course, I had to get involved, ultimately becoming president of the New York City Chapter of the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. That diagnosis did and still does keep things in perspective - there is nothing worse than worrying about a child who has to live with a life threatening and chronic illness. So, finding a cure for diabetes was added to the long list of competing demands on my time.

I joke that now I can really devote myself to my career. And while I am new to being an "empty nester," in a funny way, I guiltily feel almost a sense of relief. Knowing that I have successfully raised three great, motivated and accomplished children, and having a job that I love, makes me feel that it was all worth it. My kids are really proud of the fact that I am a Working Mom, and that I have a career as meaningful and important to me as their father's is to him. So, to all of you out there who feel stretched and overwhelmed, stick with it! Time really does fly, and before you know it, the inevitable does happen. And I am really happy that I have a great job and a husband of 23 years to ease the pain.

By guest blogger Wendy Schmidt, Deloitte Financial Advisory Services LLP

The Chocolate Milk Caper
It's been a tough travel week: four cities in as many days though I met some terrific colleagues along the way.  And of course, the new three-ounce rule for shampoo and toothpaste in carry-on baggage wasn't announced until after I had left the house.  Someday perhaps I won't be so vain and therefore addicted to the cadre of lotions and potions that now have me waiting at baggage claim in each new city.  Sounds like good fodder for a blog topic.  Another time perhaps.

This is a travel story of a different sort.  Security.  Yep, I got hung up in security on Sunday evening, ugh!  Why? Well I got caught with contraband. Yep, busted. The TSA agent took me and my bag aside.  He, who was clearly not a happy camper himself, snarled at me as he began to rifle through my briefcase.  With squinty eyes and a 'gotcha ya' attitude, he exclaims, "is this yours?" pulling out a carton of, of…chocolate milk.

Although it would be hard to deny that the chocolate milk was mine—after all, I did see him take it out of my bag—I didn't know it was in there…nor how it got there.  Hmmm. The chocolate milk caper.

Intellectually knowing better than to snarl back at a TSA worker, I nevertheless did.  Grrrrr.  Yes, the milk came out of my bag, but I have no idea how it got in the bag.  It was clear he wasn't buying.  But then a little light flashed in my mind and a twinkle came from nowhere.

"I have a young daughter, sir, who worries about me when I travel. Her favorite drink is chocolate milk. She may have put it in the briefcase." Looking suspect about the explanation, he continued searching through the bag.  Then he paused, slowly looked up, and said "there are other treats in here as well!"  He brought on a smile from ear-to-ear—and so did I.  It was one of life's little human moments, sparked by a child's thoughtfulness and shared with a stranger.

So now I'm one chocolate milk, rice crispy treat, berry pop tart and fruit rollup heavier…and much more appreciative of those instants in time that etch a memory.

It's funny how little things can do that, don't ya think?

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Girls And Boys—Girls, No Boys
Sorry that I've been out of touch for a bit, and many thanks to Ellie Kehmeier, Deloitte Tax LLP, and Phil Asmundson, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP, who were both terrific guest bloggers.  Great topics and great conversation.  It's what this is all about.  Beyond my summer vacation, well, life just got in the way.  Life, you know all the usual stuff along with some business travel, a large pursuit effort, preparing for a major sponsorship, year-end tasks, client commitments, hosting a workshop, back-to-school shopping, haircuts, uniforms and car pool scheduling.  Oh, yeah, and moving along with the development of a book manuscript which is due in about five weeks.  Yes, life is busy, as I'm sure yours is as well.

With everything that's going on and with Fall fast approaching, you would think my mind would be filled with thoughts of the present and near future, but in fact, it's still cluttered with a happening from late Spring.  With this the last unofficial week of Summer, I thought I'd better get it out now or just let it go—which I'm obviously having some trouble with.  So here it goes.

I was signing my son up for a summer camp, officially called a middle school enrichment program.  There were a host of co-ed programs—fine arts, computing, language, hip hop dance, kickboxing, newsroom, note-taking, writing, math, science—to choose from.  So far, so good.  Then I noticed another set of programs earmarked for girls only including basketball, cheerleading, cross country, soccer, softball, tennis, and volleyball.  Ok, that's cool.  I figured I'd find the boys only programs by just reading on down the list.

But, well, that was the end of the list. I read and reread, but there weren't any boys only sessions.  Nope, lot's of co-ed and girls only programs, but none just for middle school boys.  Now, if I was signing up my daughter, I wouldn't have thought twice about this; it probably wouldn't have even caught my eye. 

But somehow it feels unbalanced and perhaps a bit over the top to have such a selection of girls programs without a commensurate set for the boys.  Don't ya think?  Are we going too far here? 

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Never give up.  Never surrender!
By Guest Blogger Phil Asmundson, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Note from blogger Cathy Benko: Well, we're on our annual pilgrimage down the Jersey shore.  In my absence, this week's entry is penned by Phil Asmundson, TMT National Industry Leader. What a guy, and what a story. See below…

I recently spent the week of July 4th with my wife's two sisters, her brother and her mother in Park City, Utah, which is, without question, one of the world's most beautiful and relaxing places on planet Earth. The purpose of the trip, besides the general "catching up," was to celebrate my mother-in-law's 80th birthday. Katie is an amazing woman who graduated from Trinity University in 1948 and then received a Masters in Economics in 1950 from the University of Wisconsin at a time when it was uncommon for women to go to college, let alone graduate school.

Katie was always the "family leader," and it was very clear that when she spoke, her family listened (I repeatedly violated this rule and ended up in a lot of hot water!). She was a dedicated wife to her husband "Speed," and it devastated her when he passed away in 2003 after nearly 49 years of marriage. It was difficult to watch her make the adjustment to a "single" life.  Much of the confidence and self assuredness, which made her who she was, was replaced by uncertainty and doubt. Although all her kids rallied around her, Katie was always one that appreciated the help but needed to work things out on her own terms.

We should have known something was up when the frequencies of her calls decreased. We got confirmation of this when she attended my daughter's graduation in May 2006 from Southern Methodist University and announced, "I'm in love." A month later the "birthday party" in Park City was a "wedding" in Park City and the scramble was on to make arrangements, get the church (you have no idea how hard it is to find a baptismal certificate after 49 years of marriage!), and, most importantly, meet Bill, the 81-year-old mystery groom. Needless to say, my relaxing vacation of fishing and golf was replaced by this mad dash, and on July 5th I was in attendance at the wedding of Katie and Bill, octogenarians in love. 

It was only on the plane ride back to New York that the real significance of what I just had been a part of hit me. Katie, at age 80 was ready to reinvent herself despite, at times, the objections of her children, her most treasured confidants. She openly embraced a significant change in her life and had the sense of self to follow her heart and continue living to the fullest. We only go around once, so, the words of Galaxy Quest, "Never give up. Never surrender!" are particularly applicable here.

It took courage for Katie to walk down the aisle and start anew. What an organization this would be if we all had the courage to follow our dreams and make the most of what we had to offer our families and our colleagues.

By guest blogger Phil Asmundson, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Checking In While Checking Out
By Guest Blogger Ellie Kehmeier, Deloitte Tax LLP

Did you ever get back from a vacation feeling like you never really left? Well, that's been my experience in the past when I spent too many "vacation" hours checking and responding to email or on conference calls. But this summer's respite worked out differently.

I recently returned from two weeks in Hawaii and had a great experience with NOT checking email—partly by accident, partly by design. I did everything I could think of to prepare for being away—let my clients and client teams know that I'd be gone for two weeks; left an "out of office" greeting that said I would have limited or no access to email; referenced some specialists who could be contacted in my absence and offered, if someone still needed me, they could leave an urgent voicemail.

Then we were off to Hawaii with only my husband's computer in tow (I didn't bring mine, expecting to check email on his and…dare I admit it…I don't yet own a Treo or Blackberry). Shortly after we arrived, his computer stopped working due to a bad virus (or was it fate?). In any case, that's when my real vacation started. I called a few colleagues and let them know that I'd only be accessible by voicemail. I considered spending a couple hours every few days at an Internet café to check email but just couldn't bring myself to miss out on those precious vacation hours. In the end, I decided not to worry about it. 

Everyone was so good about not leaving me messages that I hardly had to spend any time even on voicemail. As a result, I spent a lot of time relaxing and playing with family, (including an incredible experience swimming with wild spinner dolphins off the coast of Lanai—a dream come true for my 12-year-old daughter) and I even got to read two books—another incredible experience, at least for me! 

But mostly, I was impressed by how everyone seemed to want to help me take a real vacation, including my three colleagues who agreed to field questions in my absence. I even had one colleague who threatened to check up on me and … I'm not sure what … if she found me emailing during my vacation. I'm sure she was proud of me, because she certainly didn't hear from me during my time off.

I think too many of us feel like we don't have that option. Are we our own worst enemy? Why don't we take the real vacation we so deserve? I'm not aware of any formal protocol, but I suspect it's up to each individual to asses their situation and work it out with their colleagues. I do know that I always have a fleeting moment of pleasure when I get an extended absence greeting, especially from a partner, saying they won't be checking email or voicemail during their vacation. Even though it may inconvenience me, at least I know I'm not the only one who wants a work-free vacation.

In the end, I think I'll follow the advice of Robert Reich, a former Labor Secretary and current professor at UC Berkeley, which I heard on a recent NPR program. He said, and I quote, "in order to be engaged most of the time, you have to disengage a bit of the time or you'll go nuts."

I'm curious to know how others handle this dilemma. Do you feel like you have to find a remote country that doesn't have cell coverage or internet access to justify not checking in? Are you able to check in and still feel like you've gotten away from work? How do you take a real vacation?

By guest blogger Ellie Kehmeier, Deloitte Tax LLP

Summer Camp
I was having dinner the other evening with one of my favorite partners. We dined right through an angry thunderstorm, immersed in our conversation.This partner shared a story that is worth repeating and perhaps exploring a bit. Her 11-year-old daughter was off at a field hockey summer camp to work on her playing skills. There were not enough goalies for each of the teams, so the daughter (we'll call her Sally) was moved up to the next group level of 13 to 16 year olds.  Although she was at the high end of skill level within her own age group, she was a relative novice compared to the older girls. In addition to skill level, there was also a significant difference in height, reach and other physical characteristics. 

So where am I going with all this? Well, it seems that the 15-ish year old girls on the opposing team decided among themselves—without prompting or comment from any coaches—not to exploit Sally, a noticeably weaker player.  It seems they felt that doing so would potentially harm Sally's psyche and perhaps thwart her development if they took competitive advantage of her.

Instead, the opposing team all agreed that they would only shoot at Sally so she would have a chance to defend the goal. Shots high or wide or somehow out of her field of reach would be considered unsportsman-like, or is it unsportsperson-like? Whatever. 

I can't decide if these girls are just off-the-charts mature and considerate, or if are they simply lousy competitors? After all, as rivals don't you strive to exploit your opponent's weaknesses? Doesn't not taking advantage of your foe's weaknesses make you weak?

What's going on here?

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

A Lesson Learned
There was an article published in the New York Times on July 2 that caught my attention. It was titled "The Boss—Descended of Strong Women." Did you happen to see it? It talked about one woman's journey to the top and included snippets like  being told she was receiving a job offer because they were interested in hiring minorities and that's why they wanted to hire her (she declined that particular offer—smart lady). 

When she received the formal offer letter from the organization she did join, it expressly stated that she would need to work as many hours as the men and travel as much. (Can you believe that someone would actually take the time to amend what was likely a form letter to insert language like this?). Besides amending the offer letter, it turns out that they had trouble finding someone to sign her offer letter (a quandary she didn't find out about until much later). It seems that no one wanted to be responsible if she turned out to be a hiring mistake.

The article goes on to describe one of this executive's biggest lessons. She thought, four years into her job, that she was a shoo-in for a promotion. She had done lots of things to qualify and did them well. When she asked why she was passed over, the response was "I didn't know you did all that." Huh?

Her lesson: Not to assume everyone is watching all the things you do. You have to speak for yourself and watch out for your own career, making your activities and accomplishments known in an informing—though not promoting—way.

Well, this lesson clearly worked for her. She is now Chairman of an $8B organization. Oh, did I mention that she's also our own Sharon Allen? Check out the article.

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

The Loss and the Gain
Last week was one of considerable loss. My stepdad—a mainstay in our family for the past thirty years—passed away.  He was a man of relatively few words (I suppose it isn't easy to get a word in with a wife and five step-daughters!) but a very large presence. (So large a presence physically, in fact, that he was drafted by famed football coach, Vince Lombardi.) He was Papa to my kids who saw him several times a week for virtually all of their lives. It was my first brush with death from near-the-moment he was gone to those final blessed words at gravesite. His passing was sad, contemplative, heart-wrenching. Yes, we are mourning a great loss.

Unexpectedly, to me, much was also gained last week. In some ways it was also a 'best of times' in how our family coalesced, spending lots of quality time together.  It turns out that there is a significant benefit in having so much out-of-town family all converging at the same time for the same and singular purpose.  They were a captive, actively engaged group, free from many of life's day-to-day distractions.  We made the most of our time together to grieve, to reminisce, to laugh, to cry and to create new memories. Yes, within the loss there was a gain.

There was also gain in being reminded, through the words and the actions and the expressions and downright caring, what a wonderful group of close and extended colleagues I have the privilege to work with. I'm not used to nor perhaps even comfortable with having others seamlessly stepping in for me, but each did so without hesitation and in many cases without even a word—from Anne Taylor at the leadership meeting to Eric Openshaw on the high tech call to Candice Philbrick and Kevin Lynch and Paul Beltis on the Sun team to Anna Mok and the Excellence Award Committee to the entire national WIN team to Professor Kolb at the Leading Edge class and others.  Here, too, there was a gain.

The terrific group of folks that we're all associated with, the Deloitte family, also gave to me in another way. Space. On an average day, I can get between one and a few hundred emails. Last week, I don't think I received a net of a hundred. Oh, I got lots of emails, but then almost as quickly as they came, so many were magically recalled. Each sender wordlessly offered space for me to deal with the loss, and in the process, provided a gain. How moving is that!

Last week's loss provided a glance through one of life's windows of gratitude.  Thanks to all for affording me this gain.

How about you? Have you experienced a sense of gain from any of your losses?

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Happy Anniversary
Well, the new fiscal year is just about upon us.  Happy New Year to all, and congratulations to all on a job very well done!  Today also marks another of milestone.  The WIN blog, our organization's first foray into this new mode of communication, turns one year old.  A heartfelt Happy Anniversary to all bloggers! 

When we came up with the idea of launching a blog to help create community, conversationally address topical topics, and simply connect in a novel yet entertaining way, we didn't have any idea what to expect.  Nope.  We really didn't have a clue.  We also didn't go through a "what would success look like" exercise. We simply put a blog etiquette together, placed blog business cards in common areas and opened for business. 

So, what has been learned? Let me count the ways.  I learned that the notion of a weekly blog is very different than the reality of a weekly blog.  Duh.  The reality part requires sitting down each week to reflect on, well, everything, and then putting fingers to keyboard. (Contrary to popular belief, these are not ghostwritten, and yes, all blog entries are nonfiction—even the Not In Your Lifetime  entry.  This stuff really happens.) 

I learned that blogging is much like talk radio where the proportion of folks listening is colossal relative to those that call in.  Although the blog doesn't consistently get the anticipated rate of response, random folks months later cite chapter and verse from blog passages.  

For example, just yesterday someone commented that her daughter was sick this weekend, remarking that "just like in Sick Day," she felt guilty about feeling good about the timing of her child's malady.  Or last week, being caught in the hall with a comment about this individual's mental image of Spitfire from Other Side Of The Kitchen Table.  Or a thoughtful remark from a colleague about A Teary September Morning  with tears welling up in her own eyes.  I guess this is what impact looks like. 

I've also learned that I'm not the only one with guilt gods perpetually circling around in my head.  It seems the gods are equal opportunists which is good to know.  (What's the phrase—misery enjoys company—that comes to mind.)

I must admit, there is an unsettling side to being a blogger that takes some getting used to.  These days, when I meet folks for the first time, they have a window into me—my thoughts, my experiences, my life—while I don't enjoy the same familiarity with them.  The imbalance does take me back a bit. 

Most importantly, though, I've learned that however we may be different (be it gender or age or function or geography or position; hey, I'll even throw in hair color)—we are so much more the same.  Time Warp and Is This the "One" really brought this home for me.

It is you who has built this community, now close to 40,000 visits strong.  So what are your thoughts? How would you like to see it grow in the coming year?  

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Too Stupid?
I participated on a panel at a women's leadership conference last week and was asked to describe inflection points in my career. You know, the type that through the rear view mirror were pivotal in bringing you to wherever you are today.  The question made me pause.  Hmmm.

Looking back, the most profound happenings on my path weren't the result of mindful choices I made at some arbitrary forks in the road.  Nope.  I guess I'm not that linear.  I chalk up those game-changing moments to being too naïve (too stupid?) to know what I was embarking upon. Yep, those times when I was simply not savvy enough to really think through what I was about to jump into.  I guess I could say it more nicely like "not contemplative enough" or "didn't spend enough time analyzing the options," but the fact is that I was, well, ignorant.  But ignorance, as they say, is bliss…or at least useful.

For example, I was too stupid to know that as a working class woman with a secretarial degree I wasn't supposed to apply to Harvard Business School.  Too stupid to know that when invited to be put on deck for partner, I shouldn't say "no, I'm not ready."

I was too naïve to know, when asked as a young partner (technically, principal) to take on a global role and become a member of the executive committee, that everyone wouldn't think it was a good idea.  I was too ignorant (no, stupid) to know that name brand publishers didn't accept unsolicited book proposals.  Oh, I could go on.

So where am I going with this?  The point is that maybe there are times when it's best not to think too much about a choice point; not to over-analyze or over-engineer the thought process.  Times to think "why not" rather than "why," or even, heaven forbid, "so what if it all blows up."  More times to think less about consequences and more about potential.  Who knows, if we started with thoughts like these, we might venture out a bit more, take greater risks and reap greater reward.  Personally, I'm just grateful that I've had enough of these mindless moments over the course of my career--they really made a difference.

How about you?  Do you have 'too stupid' stories to tell? Or times when you wish you were better armed with blissful ignorance?

Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Rating Ratings
Well, it's that time of year in all corners of our organization; it's evaluation time.  You see signs of it everywhere.  From younger staff to senior partners, everyone is scurrying to itemize their accomplishments for their self-evaluation forms.  The email requests for input on Joe and Jane's performance are zipping all around.  Groups huddle in conference rooms to slug through the onerous task of normalizing evaluations across organizational boundaries are taking place.  The "I can't make your meeting because I'm representing Sally in the review sessions."  Yes, it's that time of year.

There's one thing that I am reminded about at this time of year—for each of the past 15 years that I've been involved in the evaluation process.  Men tend to wear rosier-colored glasses than women in assessing their own performance—with accent, of course, on "tend to."   Let's not get confused—I'm not suggesting that all men fairly to overly self-evaluate and all women fairly to under-evaluate their own performance.  But on average it does, albeit anecdotally, appear to trend this way.  

This view was supported the other evening in a conversation with an eminent executive search partner who sees a stark contrast in how men and women see themselves.  In her experience, "there is a very strong correlation between gender and perceptions of accomplishment, contribution and relative value." 

So why am I bringing this up?  Well, in part, to suggest that our women challenge their own ratings.  Why do you see yourself as a 2 rather than a 1—or a 3 rather than a 2 (or whatever)?  What, relative to your goals, would you have had to do differently to achieve that higher rating?  Challenge yourself, yes; but don't arbitrarily throw out a higher rating that doesn't feel representative of your beliefs.  There's nothing authentic about that.
The other reason I bring this up is that perhaps we can all have a greater awareness of the natural differences between the way genders self-evaluate…and that's ok.  It doesn't imply that our women perform lower than their male counterparts or have self-confidence issues or that our men inflate their ratings, for that matter.  Self-perceptions are, well, self-perceived.  There is no singular, right or wrong way to do this.  But let's stay clear of the judgments and interpretations we are vulnerable of making when someone else's look in the mirror doesn't mirror our own.    

Cathy 
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Fitting Life into Work and Work into Life
By Guest Blogger Jim Quigley, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Note from blogger Cathy Benko:   Well, it's Spring Break and  my husband and I are off to Disneyland with two wide-eyed and energetic children.  (I can feel the exhaustion setting in already!)  In my absence, and without any prompting (really), our CEO has offered up the following blog entry.

I was struck by comments made at a recent WIN External Advisory Council meeting.  I may not have the words exactly right but the thought was a sense of frustration by the speaker that her commitment to our organization was compromised because of her decision to devote substantial energy to her family.  That somehow her value to her partners was less than it should be due to these competing demands.

I have reflected on the conflict that she felt her career aspirations and the very real needs her family has for her time.  I felt then and do now, that these emotions of conflict should not consume us.  We should each aspire to find a way for "our work to fit into our life, and our life to fit into our work."   That goal is not a compromise or concession, it is rather an aspiration. 

Life is filled with tradeoffs; our organization has provided a remarkable set of opportunities for me to be all I can be.  In the spirit of sharing that the CEO has both a career and a life, and that they work together … a snapshot of my 2 weeks following the comment.  Right before the holidays, I sent a voice mail expressing joy at the arrival of a new Grand daughter, Isabelle Quigley.  Well as of two weeks ago, Isabelle has a new cousin.  Jane Elizabeth Quigley was born on a Sunday evening in California.  This time I did not have the privilege of holding the new one in the first hour of her life, but I made it in the first week.

I was also able to follow that joyous weekend with a series of client visits in the Bay Area.  My work fits into my life, and my life fits into my work.

Supportive of the objective of balance in life, and finding a way to enjoy the journey, I just finished a wonderful book, Chasing Daylight, by Gene O Kelly.  Gene, was the CEO of KPMG and was diagnosed with terminal cancer last May.  He passed away in September and prepared the book with the subtitle, "How my Forthcoming Death Transformed my Life."  His reflections on life, and finding and enjoying those Perfect Moments provide a motivation to me to not lose sight of the things that really matter.  A beautiful sunset or sunrise, time with those you love, all fitting nicely in a career doing great things with great people.  My work fits into my life, and my life fits into my work.  I hope and want deeply for that to work for each of you as well. 

Jim
By guest blogger Jim Quigley, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Report Card Day
We've gotten some great feedback on the WIN annual report.  Have you seen it?  If not, it's probably worth clicking through on the link.  It seems like folks are proud of what we, as an organization, have accomplished and are glad to see us acknowledge that, yes, there's much more to be done. 

Which got me thinking:  what would my own annual report look like? What do I have to report to my stakeholders?  I'm not just talking about the work-kind of accomplishments, disappointments and challenges; I'm talking about the life-kind. 

But then I thought that perhaps I'd rather not put an "annual report on self" together.  Honestly, I felt great trepidation at the thought of such introspection.  Did I really want to reflect upon the past year in those terms?  Would I want to own up to what I'd find?  Was I just setting myself up for the guilt gods to circle 'round me like vultures around the carnage one more time?

Then, with great serendipity, my first grader came home with her report card.  She was quite proud of all the smiley faces she received.  What she did next stunned me—she handed me a report card.  Yes, a report card from daughter to mom.

In her eyes, I did pretty well with A's in subjects like hugs and kisses, making hot chocolate, brushing my teeth, shopping, business and playing stuffed animals.  (I did get one D, though, in singing—I'll have to work on that one or perhaps just give it up altogether!)

So, fortified with this feedback maybe I can muster the might to go through that annual report-on-self exercise.  My recent report card—which is posted prominently in the kitchen's refrigerator art gallery--would be at the top of my list of accomplishments.  That's for sure.

How about you?  Dare you venture into the space of a report on self?  What would your report say?

Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Yes! And or Yes! But
The women's initiative's (WIN) annual report was published earlier this week.  If you haven't seen it, check it out.  It does a pretty good job of providing a summary of last year's activities and a look into our focus moving forward.  The theme of the report is "Yes! And."  The Yes! celebrates that we have an awful lot to be proud of, while the And acknowledges that there is still much more to be done. 

There was some debate, though, on whether or not the And should be a But.  Would Yes! But be more appropriate?  And suggests a sense of energy and momentum while conveying that we haven't lost sight of what's left to do.  But, on the other hand, denotes something a bit more negative in tone.  It's a remedial message--a somewhat stern reminder that we haven't achieved our overall goal. 

In an absolute sense, both statements are true so I guess we're down to matter of emphasis—a glass half-empty or half-full debate.  Though I'm no Pollyanna, my glass is generally half-full, and predictably, my viewpoint on WIN follows suit.  Let's face it, if we don't feel good about our accomplishments, who will?  Don't you remember your mother always told you that?

I'm a fairly regular participant on the WIN circuit these days and can tell you that wherever we are, others follow behind.  In fact, several of us will be with a client for four hours today (at their request) to discuss why they can't seem to get traction with their initiatives.  This will likely be a similar conversation to the 60+ others we logged with clients in 2005. 

Another case in point.  Did you know that one-third of all of our experienced hires (which is approximately 50% of all hires) this year will be rehires?  And that women account for more than 50% of those rehires.  Think about it.  A third of our experienced hires are people who've already experienced us from the inside—and choose to come back for more.  Women make up a disproportional amount of these rehires (relative to total hires) suggesting we must be doing something right.
 
Something right…yes.  Everything right…no.  And I do look forward to the day when the WIN cup runneth over. 

Well, And… or But…?  What do you think?
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

The Other Side of the Kitchen Table
This blog entry is an unintended sequel.  What I mean by this is that I did not intend, when writing last week's blog titled "Sitting At The Kitchen Table", that I'd still be on the same topic this week.  (To be completely candid, until I actually sit down to write the blog each week, I generally have no idea what the topic will be.)

But I had a kitchen table epiphany of sorts.  Last week I wrote about how whenever I work from home, I do so sitting at the kitchen table rather than in our home office.  My argument is that I simply want to be as accessible to my family as possible.  Well, the other night I learned there's another side to the kitchen table story.

It was 10 o'clock on Sunday night and the kids were off on Monday.  Everyone was upstairs except me, who was sitting at the kitchen table working on the orals deck to present later in the week (our team did a kick-ass job!).  My daughter, Ellie (on the verge of turning seven) comes into the room.  I told her it was late and that she really needed to get to bed.  She simply replied "no".  (Anyone who knows my spitfire daughter can likely visualize her just standing there in a very matter-of-factly stance stating "no".)

Then I gave her the look…you know, the "are you kidding? I told you to go up to bed" look.  Her response stunned me.

She said that if I needed to be downstairs working, then so did she.  She then went and got out her coloring book and crayons and sat right next to me at the kitchen table.  For two plus hours, she sat next to me.  When I pressed her that it's late or that she could lie on the couch, she refused.  She just sat there and colored.  She never spoke; never complained; never moved (a very un-spitfire like occurrence).  Though her eyes were heavy with sleep, she simply would not give into it. 

A while later we walked upstairs together, and she was wearing a grin from ear-to-ear. I didn't really understand her satisfaction at the time, but I do now.  You see, she just wanted to be accessible to me.  Like mother, like daughter I guess.

What about you.  Do you have any epiphany stories to share?

Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

The Kitchen Table
Well, it's time to plan my 2006 house project. Each year I scope out a project from big to small to keep the house in line with our evolving family needs. Perhaps you do something similar. Past projects range from remodeling the kitchen and master bath, new downstairs flooring (which wound up becoming a complete bath remodel--but that's another story). Last year it was putting in an entertainment system which bled into new cabinetry and furniture (I guess to go along with the electronics).

This year I have a relatively tame project in mind: redoing the kids' bedrooms. My husband, once again, is questioning why I need to do any of these projects—a comment he makes every year at this time. But in this year's comment he cited a project from a few years back, remodeling our home office. It was a larger-scale effort that resulted in a fully-functioning home office complete with a white board and small conference-like table. I'm happy with the aesthetics of this project and so is he.

But what he's not so happy about is that I never actually use our home office. Oh, it's not like I never work from home. Anyone who gets e-mails from me at odd hours knows (hopefully!) that I must be working from home. Just never in the home office; instead, I work at the kitchen table. So if you have a home office, one (including my husband) might ask, why don't you use it for its intended purpose--or any other purpose for that matter?

Well, because. Because our home office is on the second floor away from the household hustle and bustle. Because in our home office, I'm holed away and not part of the ambient setting. Because in our home office, osmosis doesn't kick in, and I don't get a sense for the household minutiae that might be going on: who's in; who's out; who has homework to do but is goofing off instead, etc. My basic logic is that if I'm holed away, my kids won't realize I'm there, won't sense my presence or feel my spirit; nor I, theirs.

Perhaps if I were around all the time, I'd enjoy the sanctuary of a home workplace free of distractions and interruptions. But I'm not and I don't. I guess it all comes down to being as accessible to them as possible, and this is just one more little way I choose to do so.

Who knows, I could be kidding myself. They may find my presence a complete distraction to them, but I don't think so. How about you? What do you think? Do you have other tricks you use?

Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

"Not in your Lifetime"
We've all heard stories and perhaps have firsthand experiences about how women are treated while buying or getting cars repaired. Folks have some great stories about their experiences with suggestions like "why don't you bring your husband in, honey, so I can explain the car to him," or "I'll go through the numbers with your husband now, so why don't you sit in the lounge," or my favorite stories about how repairmen speak very slowly when describing repair issues—just to make sure you can follow along.

I'd like to share a real life legal version of the car stories. Really, I couldn't make up this stuff.

Being in our 40s (ok, well into our 40s), it was time for my husband and me to do the will and estate planning thing. We got an attorney referral from our financial planner, a highly accomplished professional who we've been working with for years and have known years longer.

This estate planning thing takes a while to do—3 or even 4 sessions are required. I cannot say I liked the guy—excuse me, the attorney—we used but this was a straightforward process and since we had paid up front my husband really wanted to complete the transaction (he used the sunk cost argument). Ok, I thought, this guy's got a bit of a napoleon complex, but I've had to deal with worse and he did seem competent. Until…

…until session three when we were going through income and assets. He looked directly at me (seemingly for the first time) and asked "how much money do you make?" I replied that it varies by year but was about $X. Without any hesitation, he leaned way forward toward me and said very sternly: "I don't mean in your lifetime, I mean this year!"

Ok, so what would you do?

Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Is This the "One"?
If you asked me yesterday morning what this week's blog topic would be, as some folks do, I would have said it would be a tribute to Betty Friedan, activist and author of "The Feminine Mystique," groundbreaking work 43 years ago (can you believe that it's been so long ago!) that helped shape the age we live in today. But that was before yesterday afternoon.

Yesterday afternoon I participated on a panel along with two other partners and directors—both with amazing stories to tell. This panel was part of the ForwardTrack program for women senior managers. One woman compared partnership in our organization to a marriage and asked the panel: "How did you know that Deloitte was the right man for you?" Translation: How were you able to commit to one company, like committing to one man, forever.

My simple answer, or perhaps admission, was that I never did. I feel confident that this profession and this organization worked great for me yesterday (actually 17 years of yesterdays). I feel very good that it is working for me today, and there's good chance that it would continue to work for me tomorrow. But beyond that I can't be sure…who could?

You see, we can only make decisions with the best information available at the time. So to me, it's a matter of intent, rather than do or die commitment. Heresy? Nah. Do I intend to stay with here…you bet. But no guarantees. Instead, I mentally commit to our organization every day. Yep, I re-up everyday.

In closing out the panel, a participant expressed a strong sense of relief that she didn't have to have it all figured out today for down the line—seemingly a breakthrough for her. And you could visably see the collective sigh of relief on the faces of others. Wow, what a strong sentiment the word "relief" conjured up. It stunned me. Why would anyone put that kind of pressure on herself?

So if you've been thinking that you need to commit for life by pursuing a partner track, let it go. I gave that up long ago…

Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Sick Day
Well, the guilt gods were back in full force last week, but in a rather peculiar way this time. You see my spitfire first grader was sent home from school the other day. No major illness; just the usual childhood malady. I was in town and able to pick her up from school and nurse her back to health which I felt very good about.

In all honesty, I also felt good about the timing of her illness. It was, well, convenient. I wasn't out of town (I always worry about not being around and someone in my family getting sick). Although I was scheduled to be in the office to participate on a six-hour call with several colleagues, I knew it wouldn't be terribly inconvenient to the group if I took the call from home. So everything fell into place very nicely. It was convenient.

So what's to feel bad about being able to nurse my little one back to health? Well, I felt bad about feeling good about the fortunate timing of her sniffles. Yes, that's right. I felt bad about feeling good. Of course I tried to reason with myself: if I was out of town, would I have felt good about feeling bad? No, of course not. I would have felt bad and left it at that.

So why doesn't the inverse hold? Why can't I just feel good about things? I'm going to chalk it up to the guilt gods for now, but if you have a better explanation, I'd love to hear it!

Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Matter of the Heart
As women, we're very adept at taking care of other. You know, the folks all around us—spouses, children, friends, pets, parents, extended family, neighbors, other members of our communities, stray animals, and sometimes even total strangers. I'd like to devote this blog to calling out one more person that we each need to take care of—ourselves.

Got any doubt this? Then take this pop quiz:
Question: What is the leading killer of U.S. women today?
Answer: Heart disease. Not compelling enough? Well, did you know that 64% of women who died suddenly of coronary heart disease had no previous symptoms.

Hmmm. So, who's looking over our shoulders on this front? Even if others do, we need to be sure to count on the person we see every time we look into the mirror—and not let her off the hook! As professional women we are susceptible to many of the risks factors: stress, poor nutrition and lack of exercise. But there are some fairly simple things we can each do (though, I admit, these things do take time which we have far too little of) to keep risks manageable. Things like keeping an eye on cholesterol levels, blood pressure, glucose levels; sustaining good general health and managing the amount of stress in our daily lives.

Am I being a little preachy here? Ok, guilty as charged. But if just one of our blog readers takes action that mitigates even a bout of indigestion, it's worth the print. And worth making the point.

In this spirit, I wanted to let you know that the month of February stands for more than valentine candy and flowers--although the candy and flowers have great psychic benefits, don't they!. It is also the month of "Go Red for Women", a campaign to raise awareness for women's heart disease. You'll read more about this on DNN on today, but the take-away here is to take the time to care for yourself and your own health. In fact, put it at the top of the list. If you don't, there may be no one there to care for the rest of the names on the list.

Has heart disease affected your life? Do you have a story to share?"

Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Girls Rule and Boys Drool
"Girls rule and boys drool" is a phrase my six year old spitfire daughter half sings in her ongoing efforts to torment her eleven year old brother. Along with these words come the "nah, nah, na, nah, nah" and corresponding facial expressions. She is quite successful in her efforts—her brother gets very annoyed.

When you consider more than a few recent headlines including "Women Take Care, Men Take Charge"; "Women Don't Ask"; and "Men Do Numbers, Women Do Strategy", spitfire may be in some good company with gender stereotyping.

But what's the deal with this latest sport of gender labels? When the ad exec was unceremoniously fired last month for stating publicly that "they're crap" (referring to women)—really he did, check out the story—I thought it was a one-off situation. But between this, Larry Summers' (Harvard University Dean) speculation on brain capacity differences and now this flurry of articles and studies, perhaps this is not the case.

I'm not so much concerned with bucketing similarities together from time-to-time (I guess it's a human thing), but perhaps gender bucketing is getting a little out of hand. This concerns me because we run the very real risk of being judged not for who we are and what we bring to the table, but by what the headline—dare I say bias?—of our gender suggests.

I know, I know "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" and all that, but the last time I checked, we are all from and still reside on planet Earth.

Am I overly concerned here? Can anyone out there set my mind at ease?

Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Thinking Big To Get Small
I had the distinct pleasure last evening to represent our organization at a gala event for the International Museum of Women whose mission is "to value the lives of women around the world." A powerful statement, isn't it? At the event, a five-year project entitled "Imaging Ourselves: A Global Generation of Women" premiered. The project, fittingly unveiled on International Women' Day, is a collection of essays and striking photos of young women around the world. This exhibit is also available virtually at http://www.imow.org/ so that everyone everywhere can experience it whenever the spirit moves them.

A central theme of this work, and of the virtual museum in general, is about connection and the connectedness that women—no matter what walk of life or culture or race or socio-economic condition—share. You see, we are all still, well, women with hopes and dreams and aspirations and obstacles and often harsh realities. That's what the Museum's work is all about.

There was a call for a global community with similar events taking place at the same time around the world (adjusting for time zone changes, of course). Women as a unifying global force is a very appealing notion…and we might just be able to pull it off. It's all a matter of getting a critical mass of women interested in connecting the proverbial global dots (no reference to an earlier book project intended!).

This message is similar to Dr. Noeleen Heyzer's, the Executive Director of the UN's International Fund for Women, message to our New York staffers yesterday. She told stories of women coming together across enemy lines in Rowanda, Afghanistan, and even Libya to insist that there is another way – a better way. Pretty darn cool.

This notion made me wonder what the world may have been like if there was a male version of it sometime over the past century. Hmmm. I don't think one was ever contemplated, do you? Well, there's nothing we can do about the missed opportunity of the past, but there is something we can about the opportunity of today.

So perhaps we should make this work, our work, and make our world a smaller world by thinking big—as in a very, very big web of connected global souls.

Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

You Never Know
by Guest Blogger Anne Weisberg
Justice O'Connor's retirement from the Supreme Court reminds me of a truth about life, certainly my own life: you never know. According to an Op-Ed piece in the Boston Globe last weekend, Justice O'Connor took five years off to care for her sons when her child care fell apart. To keep engaged in her profession and her community, she volunteered for the Bar Association and served as a precinct committee person for the Republican Party. When she wanted a job at the Attorney General's office, she had the right contacts.

My life has followed a similar, squiggly, path – from lawyer, to author, to politics, to women's issues, to the Women's Initiative here at Deloitte. It is my dream job, but I wouldn't have been able to tell you that ten years ago, let alone plot out how to get there. I haven't asked, but I bet Justice O'Connor would say the same thing: you never know what is going to come out of any one experience. The key is to stay engaged, and stay open to the possibilities that abound.

But Justice O'Connor's career embodies the maxim of "you never know" in another way. She is the only Supreme Court Justice to have been elevated from a State appellate court – in the hierarchy of courts, a much lower court than a Federal appellate court, for example, which is what Judge Alito serves on. President Reagan took a risk on Sandra O'Connor – because he wanted to elevate a woman. He placed a strategic bet – that even though she didn't have the same pedigree, she would rise to the position. The rest, as they say, is history.

But as we think about women for leadership positions within the firm, or who to bring to a client meeting, let's remember Justice O'Connor's story and that you never know how someone is going to do until you give them a chance. Have you taken chances? Have others taken chances on you? Let us know your story.

Anne
By guest blogger Anne Weisberg, Deloitte Services LP

Stuck at the Kiddie Table
At this time of year, I'm always reminded of an annual happening at my grandmother's house each Christmas Eve. We had a fairly large family and everyone converged at grandma's for dinner on this special evening. There were always two tables brilliantly set for the occasion: the dining table which is where all the adults sat and the kiddie table for the ten or so children.

I was one of those children along with my four sisters and four cousins. We had a blast sitting at the kiddie table, but hey, we were kids. Over the years we grew and grew, but we were all still sitting at the kiddie table until one year when my two older sisters "graduated" to the adult table. They were both in their early twenties.

I was next in the pecking order to move up, followed closely by my male cousin-the only boy in the generation of cousins. I waited and waited patiently for the opportunity to move to the adult table. I was thirty years old and still waiting.

My male cousin, however, had fared better than I. He was moved up to the adult table out of turn. "He's a man now, so he should be sitting at the adult table," my grandmother would say. And so he was. I moved to California when I was thirty-two and never did get to sit at the adult table.

This, of course, was years ago now, but in a few days my cousin will be sitting next to me this Christmas as he has for the past ten years as part of the family's west coast contingent. And this topic is sure to come up just as it has for the past decade. He'll shrug it off as meaningless just as he does every year. But to me, it stings. I know I should just let it go as one of those silly little happenings that remind you that even family things aren't always gender-blind. Yes, though, it still stings.

But the most important thing I look forward to-and am very grateful for--is sharing this time with family and friends. How about you? Do you have a holiday story to share?

Best wishes to each of you for a happy and festive holiday season!

Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Making the Load Lighter and Road Brighter
Thanksgiving is such a great time to reflect and count life's blessings both small and large. One blessing I'd like to devote this blog to is all of you out there who devote your time—a scarce resource indeed—to support finding treatments and even cures for those stricken with life-altering diseases.

From AIDS to cancer to MS to heart disease and all afflictions in between, you walk or run or bike or bowl or in other ways give of yourself not for yourself but for others. I'm sure you know that your efforts make a difference, but perhaps you don't know just how much.

As a supporter of causes, I certainly didn't really understand this, but now as a recipient of sorts, the true expression of gratitude is hard to come by. As some of you may know, my husband has been stricken with a progressive and debilitating disease. To say it's changed his life, our lives, is a gross understatement. But this blog isn't about him or others afflicted per se.

No, instead, this blog is about each of you. The depth of your contribution--in time, in fundraising, in the spirit of wanting to help and just simply caring-- matters more than you can know.

So today, a very special "thanks given" to you who give of yourselves so generously. Please know that you do make the load lighter and road brighter. And isn't this what Thanksgiving is really all about.

Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

Time Warp
I had lunch the other day with a young (27-ish) female professional. She is smart, well-educated, very personable and eager to make her mark in the business world. We talked about lots of things -- "her career, competitive water polo (she was a college star and continued with the sport), Desperate Housewives along with various and sundry related chatter. It was a warm and engaging conversation. Very enjoyable.

Then she said something (I don't remember exactly how we got on the topic) that made me stop in place literally in the middle of a bite. She said that she saw no need for herself personally for a women's initiative. In her eyes, the playing field was level. She had not experienced firsthand any bias or inequity nor had she witnessed it occur to others. She was very confident that her work and her work alone would determine when and how far she advanced in her career.

I was suddenly in a time warp. She sounded just like me 10 years ago right down to the exclamation points. This made me think: "Why wouldn't I make the same claim today?" Well, why not? Let me count the ways:

• Because stereotypes influence perception and some of the core issues of accepting women in the workplace although far more insidious, are still with us today.
• Because at the upper management levels, we continue to be underrepresented (this could be a pipeline issue, but if so, it's a verrry, verrry long pipeline).
• Because, on average, 50 percent of the female professional workforce feels the need to opt out of the workforce to balance competing career/family needs for some period of time.
• Because when they do opt out, 75 percent of them are not able to get back on the career trajectory they were previously on and take a huge hit in career earnings potential.
• Because women are screaming for effective mentoring and coaching that often just doesn't happen as naturally as it does between men in a work setting (could be the Men are from Mars thing).
• Because more than 50 percent of college and grad school grads are female and seek out organizations with a good track record and supportive environments.
• Because work is not a pure meritocracy, and the higher you go, the more success includes who you know. Women are less likely to have access to key relationships that are still by and large held by men; the higher you go, the more likely you will be working with men who have unconscious stereotypes of what a woman wants, and what she is willing to do to get it.

A Teary September Morning
My daughter, our youngest, started first grade last week. She really looked forward to being in the same carpool and school as her big brother (who was significantly less enthusiastic about of the prospect!). She was confident and cute as a button in her school uniform as we got to the school yard, and she quickly ran ahead to make new friends. When the bell rang, she stood straight in line and walked into class without looking back. I was proud of her. Very proud. She was becoming her own person right before my eyes.

But then something I didn’t anticipate happened…I began to cry. More than just a tear or two. I cried. I stood there for a few minutes with warm tears running down my face. It sort of felt nostalgic, for a bit, but then I got sad…very sad. Why was I feeling so maudlin? Was it the milestone that my youngest was now in school full-time? Was it the cats-in-the-cradle thing? Was it she didn’t look back for a nod or a smile? Or was it the “g” word—guilt—again raising its doubtful head.

Should I have stayed home with her until she was in school? Should I be there to pick her up everyday? Should I be the class mom? Should I have packed a lunchable for her lunch? Should I run for president of the PTA? Should I? Should I? Should I?...

A week into the school year, my daughter is doing great. She already sees herself as an upper classman (classperson?), and my son is getting used to the fact that he now has to share the school ground with her. And as for me, I’m once again confident of the choices I’ve made. But those patches of guilt and/or doubt (frankly, sometimes it’s hard for me to tell the difference!), do they ever go away…and stay away? If I had traveled a different route and been a stay-at-home mom, for instance, would the guilt gods still show up from time-to-time? Well, would they? What do you think?

Cathy
By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

To Go Where No Woman Has Gone Before
Special Blog Entry, Star date 318709.5 (that’s 17.August.2005 for us earthlings)
What do you think it would be like to be the first at something? Not just any kind of something, but the kind of something that goes down in the annals of history. That is recorded in the archives of the Smithsonian Institute